Alan Walker, you know what? Fuck you.
I am mad, very mad, at you Alan Walker. You probably aren’t really named Alan Walker actually, but I hate you nonetheless. Let me send you a digital punch in the face.
Here is the email you sent me yesterday.
First, you tried to trick me with the subject line, using a “Rép : “ to simulate a discussion between us. Smart move.
Then you moved on with very aggressively criticizing my service and implying I had many grave issues. Any business owner would take such a thing very seriously, and I did for a second. Did the website have an issue? Is the server down? Do I really have many broken links? No I don’t, you jackass. Yes I probably don’t have ALT text on my images or meta description tag, but there is no need to sound so alarmist about it.
And then here comes the kicker, you are a fucking consultant trying to sell whatever bullshit you are selling.
You know what? Just to waste your time like you wasted mine, I will ask for this free audit report.
Stay tuned…
Update November 2017
Alan did answer my email, one of his employee actually did, Sara.
Follows a report showing how poorly I score on their tests for mobile and desktop (33/100 and 22/100 respectively). Obviously the recommandations are not included in the email. 6 hours after the email was sent (six fucking hours) she apparently tried to call me.
So… what do you guys suggest I do next? I did register for a new audit, putting their own website into the “website” field, maybe they will send me their own report :)
